i know you, charlie. i know that you are so much more than your issues, your coping mechanisms, your behaviour, or your attitude. you have forgiven me enough times that you must know that i am so much more than mine. if what happened the other night has finally pushed your patience to the limit, i understand. but you of all people know how it feels to want to die. how many times have you felt hopeless? how many times have you said you have no hope for yourself, no expectations for the future? you say things like you’re “resigned to your fate”. that you accept that this is the way you are, this is how you’ll always be. that nothing will ever change, that things will only get worse. you said i was self-sabotaging; you’re right. but you sabotage yourself as well. you are stuck in the same cycle as i am. you want freedom, but you trap yourself. you want to be successful, but you won’t try. you talk down your abilities. you focus on the negative. you once told me (talking about yourself) “the bad outweighs any perceivable good”. that’s how i felt on friday. you know how it feels to loathe yourself, to feel like you will never be capable of achieving things or living a normal life. you know how it feels to think you’ll never be able to function in the world. you know how it is to always feel like the outcast. you know how it feels to have to use anything – alcohol, drugs, food, entertainment/escapism – to numb the torture of simply having to exist. you sleep with the tv on to try to drown out your own thoughts. you know what shame is, you know how shame feels. you know how it feels to feel like a stranger in your own body, like you’ve never quite fitted in it. you know how it feels to have physical health problems that no one else can understand, that people even trivialise. you know how it feels to be lonely but to absolutely need to be alone. you know how it feels to have a family that loves you but to not feel like one of them. you know how it feels to stumble across some hope in life, to enjoy that hope for a short time, and then feel like a fool for letting yourself. you know how it feels to crash. you know how it feels to be so, so tired of it all. you know how it feels to want to close your eyes, fall asleep and never wake up. you know how it feels to regain consciousness and wish you hadn’t. you know how it feels to be exhausted by the mere thought of having to face another day. i know you do. i’ve seen you get up and get dressed for work and then lie down because you just couldn’t go, you just couldn’t put yourself through it. i know you know what pain is. i know you know how it feels when the things in life that everyone else seems to enjoy are chores you have to endure. i know you know what misery is. i’ve seen the look in your eyes when you’re way down deep. i know how haunted you are. i know you know what hopelessness is. how can you judge me for wanting to die? the way i express my hopelessness is different to yours. i try so, so hard to stay positive. i try so hard to be motivated, to do the right things. eat right, sleep right, exercise, socialise, go in the sun, take this pill, take that pill, think good thoughts, change your attitude, breathe. i use all the courage i have to keep moving forward, until that courage is all used up and i break. yes, it was a selfish thing to do, breaking down over the phone to you like that. yes, i was hysterical. yes, i was irrational. i bottle my suicidal thoughts up until they overflow and i lose control. yes, it was dramatic. yes, it was an awful thing to do. yes, i swore i’d never to that to you again, and i did. i’m not trying to excuse or justify my behaviour. i’m saying we’re the same, but different. you swallow your despair. you accept it will always be there and you carry on with it, you live with it every day as it eats away at you. i reject my despair until my strength to reject it runs out like when one of those wind-up clockwork toys winds down. suddenly all that energy i’ve been putting into staying positive converts into the most excruciating, intolerable pain, and all i can do is sob and shake and cry and pray for it to end. i can’t be reasoned with, i can’t be comforted, because all i can think about is trying to find my way to the exit. i know you. i know what a good, kind heart you have. you’ve seen the best of me, and the worst. i hope you can find faith in the best of me, like i have always had, will aways have faith in the best of you. we are both still alive.